profound thoughts for the less than profound

ALFRED E. NEUMAN is the grinning little guy you may have seen on the cover of Mad Magazine. He's not really a philosopher. He's not even a real person. But that certianly didn't stop him from sharing his wit and wisdom with the world. Most people wish it had.

"It's a good idea to save your money. One day it might be worth something again!"

"Politicians are people who get sworn in and then cursed out!"

"The only advantage to living in the past are the rents are much cheaper!"

"A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice-versa!"

"If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"How come stealing from one book is plagiarism, and stealing from many is research?"

"Nowadays, an after dinner mint is what you need to pay the restaurant check!"

"The U.N is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"

"Ever notice how many government officials make their raises effective long before they ever are?"

"America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign."

"It takes one to know one- and vice-versa!"

"When you're in deep water it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut!"

"Germs attack people where they're weakest- which is why there are so many head colds!"

"A lawyer is someone who writes a 40-page document and calls it a brief!"

"After all is said and done, there's always a lot more said than done!"

"A sense of humor is what makes you laugh at something that would make you sore if it happened to you!"

"Most people are to lazy to open the door when opportunity knocks!"

"The suburbs are where they cut down all the trees and then name the streets after them!"

"Most minds are like concrete... all mixed up and permanently set!

"Most of don't know what we want, but we're pretty sure we don't have it!"

"How come we choose from just 2 people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

"Teenagers are people who act like babies if they're not treated like adults!"

"Most people don't act stupid: it's the real thing!"

"A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when avery McNugget weighs the same!"

"Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for and politicians find out what people will fall for."

"These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar."

"The ups and downs of the economy are the result of having elected too many yo-yos!"

"The first thing a man notices about a woman... depends on which way she's going!"

"Marriage is like drugs to some people; they keep taking one dope after another!"

"You know the Honeymoons over when your dog brings your slippers, and your wife barks at you!"

"Parents supporting their kids in college get poorer by degrees!"

"Too often, people who want to offer sound advise give more sound than advice!"

"Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!"

"The reason many people are lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory!"

"Ever notice how random chance always picks you for Jury Duty, but not to win the lottery?"

"Most people are so lazy that they don't even excercise good judgement!"

"In retrospect its clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!"

"These days, the problem with many neighborhoods is that their are more hoods than neighbors!

"A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!"

"Who says nothing is impossible? Some people do it every day!"

"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"

"Blood is thicker than water... but it makes lousy lemonade!"

"A plastic surgeons office is the only place where noone gets offended when you pick your nose!"

"A kiss is valid proof that 2 heads are better than 1!"

"Thanks to the new welfare bill, the question "Paper or Plastic" now refers to many Americans sleeping conditions!"

"Today, if you ask a car dealer to let you see something for around 10 grand, he'll show you the door!"

"Any dentist who says 'This won't hurt a bit' is lying through your teeth!"

"There's more than one way to skin a cat, though you probably won't even need the one!"

"Most doctor's gains are ill-goten!"

"In Hollywood these days, what's coming out isn't as interesting as who's coming out!"

"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"

"There is more poetry in the simple song of a bird than in 10 symphonies, except all the poetry tends to be about worms!"

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

"The psychatrist's office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean."

"Too many movies today have a beginning, a muddle, and an end!"

"Most people don't mind a hard day's work- just as long as they're not in that day!"

"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"

"Smoking helps you lose weight- one lung at a time!"

"Nowadays, a balanced diet is when ever McNugget weighs the same!"

"A soychatrist is someone who hopefully finds out what makes a person tick before they explode!"

"In retrospect it becomes clear that hidsight is definetly overrated!"

"At one time or another, everybody plays the fool. But some people are typecast for life!"

"Put 1,000 writers in a room for 1,000 days and one will come up with a story about monkeys writing Hamlet!"

"A couch potato follows the path of least existence!"

"The problem with our economy is that our budget is supposed to be balanced by people who aren't!"

"A bore is someone who interrupts your fifth story with one of his own!"

"When it comes to personal conduct, always set the bar high- it makes it much easier to sneak underneath!"

"Most people who ask for a minute of your time have trouble timing a minute."

"Parents treat their kids like teeth- they only try bonding once irreparable damage has been done!"

If you have any people or quotes you would like to see added here, feel free to e-mail us.
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